Trigger warning: attempted suicide discussion
🎵Oh!!! What a day that will be
When my Jesus I shall seeAnd I look upon his faceThe one who saved me by his graceWhen he takes me by the handAnd leads me through the Promised LandWhat a day!!! Glorious day!!! that will be!!!🎵Some 2000 years ago, Jesus gave His all so that I would live!
Let me tell you, you don't get it till you walk a day in the shoes of this body. I'm telling you, I put some miles on her.
Did you know, I have set foot in nearly every US State and Canadian Province and 1 Territory. I have been living in less than 8 years!
My girls, I keep telling all of you my story in the hopes that one day, maybe it will click for someone and be a help to someone going through what I have been through.
You are not alone.
It's not a road that I would want anyone else to travel, it wasn't easy, often times very lonely, and painful. Emotionally, physically and mentally. But, I know looking back, God, my Jesus, was with me every step, and misstep I took.
When I ended up trying to hang myself, The Lord was with me.
When I took an over dose and was rushed to the hospital, Jesus held me in His arms.
When I was alone in the Psych Ward under suicide watch, He never left my side.
In the following years when my life was all but a living nightmare, He was with me And when the time was right, He pulled me safely out.
I trust God that I don't know why I had to walk that walk, but I know that there is a bigger picture and All things work together for good for those who love God!
Psalms 23 Ye though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of death I will not fear! For you are with me!!!
PTSD, Oh, I understand. Fear, it had a grip on me, hate, I spewed venom. ...But you know what, in 2017, Good Friday to be exact, I went to Church for the first time since I left my situation.
The Church had a huge cross at the front, a beautiful purple fabric was draped across it, representing the robe of Jesus's Kingship, His Victory over death, hell and the grave.
I could barley look at it. After all, I was a ruined woman. I had left my abusive relationship, I had run away as far away from it as I could, made a series of really bad decisions, did the unthinkable and royally messed up. If there was a Commandment left unbroken, I don't know which! I honestly thought maybe it was time to trust my hand one more time at exiting this life. Maybe I would be successful this time. I felt like I had made a mess of my life that even God couldn't fix.
So, as I sat in the Shadow of that cross, throughly ashamed, belittling myself, because honestly, I don't need help doing that. I felt Jesus nudging at me.
The Pastor had given everyone slips of paper with the instructions of writing down your sins and then we were to nail them to the cross.
Girls! I needed a book for the royal mess I had made of my life! I cried silently to Jesus! But to draw attention to myself.
I AM A WORM! I AM RUINED! HOW CAN I COME TO THE CROSS! How can you love me, when I willfully fell.
I am far worse than Bathsheba, than the woman at the well, then the woman "caught" in adultery!
I knew Jesus, I had been a professing Christian since I was 4! I did street ministry all through out my high school years, my mother was Reverend!
But Jesus said, I FORGIVE YOU! Nail that paper with your sins on it and leave them with me. So I did.
My heart broke! I have never felt this kind of repentance ever. It was like nothing I have ever experienced.
My life changed that day.
I wasn't afraid anymore. My heart didn't hurt, and best of all, I didn't hate! In fact, I felt a whole new peace. As an act of free will, I left my sins on that cross because that is why Jesus died, to give me freedom. Total freedom!
Yes, I have to make right choices, but I couldn't make them holding onto the wrong things! I had to move forward free. It's through the cleansing blood of Christ that I am free!
🎵What can wash away my sins? nothing but the blood of Jesus! What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! 🎵
So what does Good Friday mean to me? It is the foundation of my faith, the reason I believe, the hope within me. Because Jesus died for me, He gave me freedom and a life worth living, a life worth living in Him.
So today my friends, it's time. Get a piece of paper and write your sins down, then give them to God! He tells us to leave them with Him, so leabe them there and repent and let God clean you up!
