On the heals of the news the actor Robin Williams has taken his own life I want to share my story.
I truly felt like I was alone, worthless and really? Who would miss me? My daughter would be too young to remember me. I fought hourly with my husband. My brothers were in their own worlds. My mom had died the year before and my dad had his own life. I had no friends to turn too because of all the moving around,and who had time to make friends with a small child in tow? That's how I viewed my life.
Like so many people, I turned inward. The final straw was a stupid argument with my husband over a fry pan I bought. Apparently it was too small to cook a steak, but big enough to push me over the edge. I returned the fry pan, came home, put my daughter to bed, told my husband to kiss my ass, and went upstairs to bed. I stewed all night. I didn't sleep. The next morning, I ingested a bottle of sleeping pills, told the husband it wasn't nice knowing him and waited for the little pills to do whatever they were suppose. I don't remember much after that aside from sitting on a hospital bed being forced to drink charcoal on the threats of having a tub shoved up my nose and down my throat to administer the black ooze... That stuff was so nasty, every mouthful produced a gag...And then the Dr.'s showed up and decided that I need to be admitted to the psych ward.
The following few days were intense. I wasn't crazy, but my roommate was. Literally tied to her bed. First day she was sedated, the second day she was just plain creepy. Luckily for me, I had less than a week of being trapped and interviewed. Apparently, this was normal procedure. Needless to say, I stayed in my room the entire time in my corner, with the room divider doing it's level best to keep the creepy chick away from me. There were some seriously disturbed people in that ward. You think your life is bad? Visit a psych ward, your life is a freaking cake walk compared to the demons these people carry.
After I was deemed safe, I was sent home and then the real fun started...Children's Aid. Yeah, the not so good do gooders arrived at my door post haste. The interviewed me, inspected every inch of my home, I had several visits by them until I could prove I wasn't a danger to myself. Joy freaking bliss.
There is only one person who literally stood beside me the whole time I was there, my pastor, Kathy K. Who was good friends with my mom once upon a lifetime ago. She took me under her wing and helped me get my mind right and told me the ultimate truth, I was being selfish, and Jesus was ready willing and able to take the helm again. Truth hurts, but lesson learned.
And life moves forward, and carries on...
9 years later, I still struggle with depression every so often, as do millions of people, but the difference is, I Survived. Suicide is not worth it. It's far too permanent for a temporary problem. We don't know our futures and even if we are in the middle of what we perceive as a hopeless situation, battles eventually end...I would have missed the life of my daughter and her total weirdness!
If you feel that you want to die, I urge you to stop looking inward and start looking upward to Jesus. Yes it sounds cliche but it's truth! The devil wants you dead so you can't do the will of Jesus and if He can tempt you into doing his job and you succeed in killing yourself you have lost the greatest battle of all and that battle is you.
You are more loved then you realize, you are wanted and you matter! Yes! Circumstances can change, let Jesus lead you to those green pastures beside still waters.
Don't give up yet. Keep surviving.
